A future dispatch from HOP
Chapter Two: 'I Am Nailed To The Hull'.
"It having been determined by my benefactor that a term of service at sea would make a man, I accordingly left Pinckley Hall in the company of Captain Ned, and put out from Bristol aboard his ship The Raging Queen.
Captain Ned, I learned from my shipmates, was a very manly, virile, manful person, and a firm believer in strict discipline, corporal punishment, and nude apartment wrestling. How truly strict he was, I learned on our first day out of port, when out First Mate called all hands on deck for an important annoucement."
[ dissolve onto scenes aboard The Raging Queen ]
[ First Mate Spunk rings the deck bell ]
First Mate Spunk: Alright, please, everybody, please! Welcome aboard The Raging Queen! Now, of course, I can't possibly introduce everybody, so you're just going to have to wear your little name tags. And if that's the worst thing you'll wear on this voyage, you're lucky. Now, before I introduce Captain Ned, there's some quiche over here, some salad, and some banana bread in the bowl, and there should be a brie around, if someone hasn't eaten it. And now, here is our own Captain Ned!
[ Captain Ned steps up ]
Captain Ned: Thank you, Mr. Spunk. Gentlemen, we have on board a young man whose name is HOP! And I have promised his guardian to teach him the man's life at sea! To show him man's ports, such as Key West and San Fransisco! I expect him to be treated manfully! Well, HOP, have you anything to say?
HOP: [ stands, cheerful ] Well.. I'm very grateful for this opportunity, Captain Ned! Up 'til now, my life has been the most degrading, pathetic, soul-destroying, humiliating, awful grovel..
Captain Ned: [ interrupting ] That's enough, Hop.. [HOP sits ] Now, men, I run a mans' ship. I will run it in a manful and masculine way! I will tolerate no men under my command who act in such a way so as to discredit their manhood and manliness! Do I make myself clear?
First Mate Spunk: Three cheer for Captain Ned!
[ the men cheer ]
HOP: "If there were any doubts as to Captain Ned's severity, they were quickly dispelled that very afternoon, when a scuffle broke out on deck."
[ Spunk approaches a Sailor tanning ]
First Mate Spunk: That's my tanning spot! you! You're in my spot! That's my spot!
Sailor #1: You are daft! I've been here all morning. Now, run along, you are blocking my sun.
First Mate Spunk: Don't you give me any back-sass, you tan tease!
[ fight breaks out; Captain Ned intervenes ]
Captain Ned: Is this how men act on a man's ship? Where is your manliness? Fighting on deck is a serious breach on my articles of strict discipline! I'm afraid the guilty party is in for a very severe punishment!
Sailor #1: Captain.. I did indeed take Mr. Spunk's spot. I'm ready to accept my punishment..
First Mate Spunk: Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don't put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish.
Sailor #2: [ entering ] Captain, I encouraged this fight - punish me! Make me wear nipple-pinching clothespins, sir!
Sailor #3: [ entering ] Me, Captain! Punish me!
Captain Ned: Stop! I've heard enough! Your manly admission of guilt is most manful. However, as your Captain, it is I who must bear the full masculine responsibility! And therefore, I will be punished. Spunk! Take me alone! I want a boiling oil rub.....
The Adventures Will Continue....
