Taking your money, 1% at a time
Readers Note:
In a few weeks, 1% for the Tetons, the “locally created” environmental advocacy group, will be celebrating its first "Grant Awards Party," honoring the Jackson businesses so kind to donate 1% of their profits, "for the Tetons." As with all non-profit agencies, they are soliciting for help, this time for locals to chip in with the festivities. One such local questions the authenticity and merit of such a request, and openly posts his reply for all to contemplate…
8/13/2007
Dear 1%,
Thank you for your recent request for my services, but unfortunately my principles will not allow me to support such a cause as "1% for the Tetons."
Personally I do not see any need to further back a local money laundering scheme (blatantly stolen from Patagonia), that rids actual hard-working taxpayers of just an itsy bit of money EVERY time they make an honest purchase at certain local businesses. Furthermore, instead of paying better wages to their employees, you are encouraging businesses to mindlessly hand over 1% of their profits to some unspecified cause, which is going to suddenly solve the world’s problems? I don’t think so. It sounds like a crock of shit to me.
Maybe if the 1% you were referring was “1% For Hard-Working Jackson Locals,” or “1% For Building a Highway to Divert Tourists Out of Town,” or even “1% For Local Teachers, Students, Policemen, Firefighters, (insert anything ACTUALLY MEANINFUL TO THE COMMUNITY HERE)”, I would support you. But honestly, what is “1% For the Tetons”? Your Web site, not to mention staff (when directly questioned), cannot answer even that simple question without an almost automatic response of, “It’s for the environment.” Super.
In reality, I ask you, are there are ANY visions or actions anywhere on the horizon for 1% besides taking more and more of the community’s money? Where is that money going? I would love to hear an answer. Isn’t it true that this is just simple economy blanketed under the premise of ecology? You are using a noble cause to make yourself money. Why else would you be asking others, such as in this instance, to do your work for you?
I wish all the hippy dippies, the finely adorned trophy moms, and all the soul searching skids in this town could possibly see the "Hole" they blindly throw their money into on a daily basis. It really is a painfully obvious joke if you take your own advice and, “Take a second to ponder the environment.”
Of all causes for a town to whole-heartedly support, the environment, most definitely, is the laziest entity in the universe. Think about it. All the Earth does is lazily loop around the sun and bitch, every day, about how pathetic it has become. It’s like a goddamned spoiled teenager!
“Boo Hoo! Look at me, I’m the earth! I’m tired. I’m cold. Now I’m HOT! Look at the tears of my glaciers melting down my most northern face. I have a pimple, it looks like a volcano. Maybe I’ll pop it. Aww, now my earthy skin looks bad. I’m gonna have a hurricane! Now I’m sad. Maybe if people LOBBIED for me, I could love them back! Fuck the past 10Billion years, if they work really hard NOW, maybe I’ll decide to clean up my act and they can all hold hands around me in peace and love and smoke a big Bob Marley joint and have a big “Earth Day” orgy and plant trees all over my worldly world face, and live forever in harmony. All it takes is a little work and whole lotta love!”
Fuck that.
When the shit has hit the fan, the earth has never proven itself TO ME. The Earth’s a quitter, and I don’t support quitters. So needless to say, I don’t support you (it’s guilt by association; connect the dots later). The earth’s in a sad and depressed state. Fine. Get the fuck over it. You don’t want your ice caps to melt? Don’t blame me! I might buy another car, and another, and another… Seriously, if you can’t take the heat, go back to the fucking ice age.
But this isn’t about my opinion of the earth, it’s about how you’ve taken a righteous idea and molested it. To your credit, “1%” is a TOTALLY American obsession, which, obviously, is why it has been so easy for you to capitalize on.
Scenario: White man steals an honest idea (lets say, Rock ‘n Roll), markets that as his own “Original” idea (i.e. Elvis). Greater America (i.e. stupid tourists, naïve locals), LOVE this original idea, hand over their money to “feel a part of something great.” In the end, a little part of them dies as a fat, old man (who could only play three chords on the guitar, by the way), dies on a toilet after OD’ing on pills and bacco-pickle-penutbutter sandwiches. Most are unwilling to admit his death as a failure because that would mean that they were deceived all along. Can’t wait to see what happens to the Tetons!!!
When I look at those who support the mass rape of Jackson (the businesses, not the inept shoppers), I shed a little tear that we’ve all been duped once again because of our “Green Ways.” We never see it coming because it ALWAYS sounds good. They wrap it all up in pretty glitter (*all biodegradable), and happy ribbons (*made with 65% recycled corn meal), and fancy wordplay (*Stolen, sorry, “Recycled” from larger, more successful Green companies (Thank you Patagonia. Please stop jacking up your prices)).
When we hit the bottom line, if you aren’t FOR the environment, you’re pretty much against everyone, and everything. You’re essentially Satans cock stroker, and that’s a bad thing (unless that’s what you’re into, or you’re the vice president).
Honestly, 1% is no different than those irritating hippy skids down at Food Town soliciting for donations for some unknown, probably completely bullshit company that says they will lobby “for the environment” on your behalf. It’s so easy, and unbelievably obvious, to just turn our noses up and walk past those annoying enviro-solicitors in person. But why, on the other hand, is it so simple for consumers to so willingly give away their money when it’s during the transaction for a cup of coffee or a soft-shell? It must be the gratification of product in hand, otherwise nobody would accept seeing 1% of their purchases go into some non-profit’s bank account without ANY clear definition of what is happening to that money!
Actually, it’s so easy I think I’ll start my own non-profit. I’ll call it “1% For Jackson”. With no clearly defined goals, I’ll solicit locals to “Help the Environment of Jackson” and also to “Save the Economy” and “Keep Jackson safe from those businesses who support 1% For the Tetons” (you're my obvious non-profit competitor, sorry). Our first plan of action will be to go down to Pearl Street Bagels, whip our “Nuts ‘n Bolts,” “Out of Thin Air,” and discretely wipe 1% of our junk on everything in sight. Then we’ll go to all the other stops with those tiny 1% stickers in their windows and do the same. Granted, 1% is not much, obviously in comparison to the “1% for the Tetons” Tea-bagging that dominates this town at the moment, but we’ll know we’re making a difference. And in the end, that’s all that matters: What few know and most are blind to. It’s one big inside joke.
1% can make a huge difference, whether it comes from your penis or your wallet. Enjoy the ball-sweat bagels, and all the money the community is giving to your “Tetons.” You know, deep down, it’s a sham, and it needs to stop.
I’m still gonna shit in the woods.
Signed,
President of 1% For Jackson: “Keeping Kids Safe From Non-Profits”
