Dear Ullr:

Dear Ullr,

I would first like to apologize for both my actions and the actions of my brothers and sisters here in the northeast who have offended you. I swear I thought she was 21; or at least 17. Had I known that was her dad, I would not have said those things to him.

I would also like to offer you some homage. I offer you a bottle of grey goose and take a vow of celibacy. I will gladly sacrifice a virgin as well. I have already burned my skis and will add poles, boots, jackets, mittens, johnnies, and chapstick if you feel it is necessary. I promise to work less and play more. Screw the man, he can suck my butt. Do I need to bequeath my first child to you? That can be arranged but with celibacy it may be difficult.

It is nearly January and I continue to get invitations to go for bike rides. Not that I dislike riding my bike, but my god, it’s time to change the season!!!

I kneel before you your majesty and beg you for some fluff. What more do we need to do to get some snow?

Please, for all of our sanity, send some snow.

Your loyal subject,
Dogwonder