"Belinda the personal trainer from hell"
A friend of mine sent this to me since it is pouring down rain here and she felt I needed a laugh.
A FITNESS STORY...
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college basketball team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me
to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes
on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging
as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on
it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the other witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Belinda The Personal Trainer From Hell
Trainer from HELL :FIREdevil
Why not from heaven? :)
