NSR: JOTD thread

Rule: You must reply with a joke. Flames and jeers are permissible but must still contain a joke.

This one is for the ex-Grandpa Cletus.

A WW II battleship, sailing the Atlantic, was suddenly attacked by an enemy ship. As the cannons boomed, the captain stood nobly and called out, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The shirt was brought, the Captain put it on, and after a long battle, they were victorious. The crew looked to the captain and asked, "Why the red shirt?"

The captain said slowly: "This shirt is the colour of blood. If I am wounded, you will not see that I am bleeding, and you will fight on without thinking about me."

The next day, two enemy ships attacked. The captain again stood, with great self assurance, and called out, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, sensing the captain's resolve, fought valiantly -- and after a long battle, the day was won.

The next day, the watchman looked out and saw an entire fleet of ships heading at them. He called out to the captain and crew. The captain took the spy glass and looked out over the ocean. He stood tall and proud on the bridge, and called out to his crew: "Bring me my brown pants!"

What's the opposite of christopher reeve??





























...Christopher Walken

What did one gay say to the other gay at the bar?
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Can I push in your stool?

What's the difference between a mallard, and a sick duck?




























I forget, but your mother's a whore.

pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. He gets up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "sure, no problem my man. If you don't mind me asking though...what's the deal with the steering wheel?"

[pirate voice]"Yaaar" replies the pirate "it's drivin me nuts...."[/pirate voice]

Moose cock joke.

Lots of jokes here: http://www.maximonline.com/jokes/

An elderly couple go to see a doctor because they?re having trouble remembering things. After an exam, the doctor says, ?You?re fine, but you should write notes to help your memory.?

That night the old man gets up to go to the kitchen. ?Will you get me some vanilla ice cream with strawberries?? the wife asks.

?Sure,? says the husband.

?Shouldn?t you write it down??

?I don?t have to,? he insists. ?It?s vanilla ice cream with strawberries.?

Twenty minutes later he returns with a plate of bacon and eggs.

?Goddamn it,? she yells. ?You forgot my fucking toast!?
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toyota specs

What do you get when you cross a Literary Deconstructivist with a Mafioso?

An offer you can't understand.

What does Michael Jackson like about twenty eight year olds?
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There's twenty of them.
(works better when spoken)

A guy is having a costume party where the guests have to dress like an emotion. So, as guests begin to arrive, the host asks them what emotion their costume represents.

The first guest is dressed like a pickle and explains that he is green w/ envy.

The next guest is dressed in all red w/ horns on his head, he explains that he is anger.

Then, a big black guy comes into the party. He's completely naked and has his dick stuck in a big bucket of pudding. The host comes up and asks the man what emotion he is. The man responds "I'm fuckin' dis-custehd"

Cant remember if i read this here or somewhere else:


Knock Knock

Whos there?

Little Boy Blue.

Little Boy Blue who?






















Michael Jackson.

Why did Michael Jackson call "Boys to Men"?
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He thought it was a delivery service.

what's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?





















the Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you! Get offa my cloud!"
the Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud! Get offa my ewe!"

What happens to you if you play country music backwards?
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You get your wife back, your truck back, your dog back, your trailer back...

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
>"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
>"Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
>"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine
>sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
>it.
>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a
>doctor."
>
>So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.
>He
>deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
>for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
>seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>"You have tennis elbow.
>Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve
>in
>two weeks."
>
>That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
>began
>wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
>his
>wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
>
>Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits
>ten
>dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>The computer prints the following:
>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
>better.
>
>Thank you for shopping at WalMart.
>

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2lb. can of coffee, and a 1lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer asto her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

A guy walks into a bar. There's a horse in the corner of the bar with a huge frown on its face and a jar full of money next to it. he asks the bartender what the deal with the horse is.

"put $10 into the pot, and if you get that horse to laugh, the whole pot is yours". the guy agrees, goes over to the horse, and 5 seconds later the horse is dying laughing.

the guy leaves.

2 days later, he's back. the same horse is in the corner, only this time smiling. same pot of money is also there. guy once again asks the bartender whats with the horse.

"put $10 into the pot, and if you that horse to cry, the whole pot is yours. only this time, you have to tell me how you did it if you succeed".

guy agrees. walks over to the horse, 10 seconds later the horse is sobbing.

he collects the money, and on the way out the bartender asks him what he had done.










"the first time, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. the second time, i showed him"

2 drunks stagger out of a bar only to see a dog licking his balls at the bottom of the stairs.
One drunk says to another "geesh I'd like to be able to do that"

Other drunk takes a look and says"I dunno mate,he looks kind vicious you might want to start by patting him"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks him if he wants to see something truly amazing! The man said yes and the bartender pulled out a little piano and a man that was a foot tall.

The little man walked up to the piano and began to play a beautifull melody.

The patron at the bar was amazed, and he asked the bartender where he found such a thing.

The bartender leaned over the bar and said, " in a room behind my bar I found a magic lantern. In it lives a genie that will grant your every wish"

The patron was filled with disbelief so the bartender told him to go back there and try it.

10 minutes later a swarm of ducks fly out of the back room.

The patron storms angrly back to the bartender and said, "HEY! Something is wrong with that genie! I asked for a million bucks and yet I ended up with a million DUCKS! You ripped me off!"

The bartender said, "Hey, do you think I would actually order a 12 inch pianist?"

what'd the blind & deaf kid get for his birthday?
































cancer (i know it's cruel, but DAMN it's funny...)

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?


















A hooker quits fucking you when you're dead!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
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Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon and Michael Jackson fucks little boys

how can you tell the difference between a roadkill snake and a roadkill lawyer?
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There are skid marks in front of the snake.

How do you make a snowboarder's car go faster?

Remove the Domino's Pizza sign.

what do you call a boomerang that doesn't work???




















A stick




















What key opens no doors?



















A Donkey. (those were popsicle stick jokes)


















An alcoholic walks into the Magical Liquor Store. He sees a "never ending gin bottle, it never empties". He says...

"I'll take two"