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Kid: Is that your truck?
Man with southern drawl looking at laptop: Yup
Kid: Whadda got in it?
Manlal: A V10
Kid: V10 Holy shit, what are you hauling?
Manlal: Ass. anywhere I go.
lord ha mercy.
This was followed up by....
Man with southern drawl looking at laptop: You bout a fast typing motherfucker....
I can hear the banjos from HERE!
This guy is a QUOTE MACHINE!
southern guy looking at laptop: There aint nothin like fightin a bitch before ya fuck her.
southern guy looking at laptop: We likedabout got stuck on a motherfucking buurm on way back from the well x.
Southern Man: I had me a midgit one time, she were good.
Southern Man: She had a good bumpin ass.
Southern Man: I woudln'thavenothn to do with a bitch that buy's a skidoo.
Southern Man: I got to get me up on that damn internet you go goin there.
Where are you? In an airport or something?
Sounds more like a bus station....do they have wireless at bus stations??
I vote for bus station....
we got an airport and a bus station, bus station be good for you
overheardinnewyork.com
Guy: It was hot, I can't even tell you.
Girl: So you guys slept together?
Guy: Oh yeah, it was hot.
Girl: 'cause I talked to her this morning and she said you guys just cuddled and stuff.
Guy: Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant by sleeping with her. Y'know, spooning and shit.
--MetroTech Commons
B&T Girl #1: He is so "not Westchester."
B&T Girl #2: I know!
B&T Girl #3: I don't get it. I've been here a year and I don't get that. And what is or who is "the bridge and tunnel crowd"? Is it a good thing that those guys called us "bridge and tunnel crowd" when we walked in?
B&T Girl #1: Eww.
B&T Girl #2: Gross.
B&T Girl #1: Ew, oh there is so no way anyone called me bridge and tunnel.
B&T Girl #3: So that's bad?
B&T Girl #2: What could be worse?
--Metro-North
HS Girl #1: I've never heard of Latvia.
HS Girl #2: I've heard of it; I just don't think it's a real place.
--Carroll Gardens
Driving guy: Is this Brooklyn?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Driving guy: Excuse me, which way is Manhattan?
--40th & Broadway
Girl: Excuse me sir, how do you get to Times Square?
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mitchell Linetti
Man on cell: No, no. I'll never make it. I'm still in Jersey.
--85th & 2nd
Overheard by: JDH
Ghetto chick: She went by and shoved me and was like "Ex-cuse me!", but not like "excuse me", you know? So she had this long hair? Well, I grabbed her by the hair, flung her down the stairs, and started kicking her ass. I'll fight anybody.
--D train
Woman .1: It's really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful.
Woman .2: You mean he's rich?
Woman .1: Yeah. Exactly.
--Union Square
Bouncer: Nice. Are those real?
Hottie: What do you think?
Bouncer: Can I check?
Hottie: You can poke at 'em, just don't feel them up.
He does so.
Bouncer: You can tell that they're fake.
Hottie: Well, they're bigger than they used to be.
--Club Spirit, Chelsea
Mother: When you go into the stall do not sit down on that toilet seat!
Girl: OK, Mommy.
Mother closes the door and goes into the next stall.
Girl: Mommy?
Mother: Yes?
Girl: I'm sittin' all over this toilet!
Mother: Girl, I told you not to sit on that toilet!
--Wendy's ladies room, W. 34th and 8th Ave
Guy Clubber: Hey, Shorty!!
Girl Clubber: Ya?
Guy Clubber: I just got to tell you that you have the best forehead I've ever seen...but don't get too cute.
Girl Clubber: Umm...OK?
--Club NV, Soho
Spa Girl: I just want to remind you that for 24 hours after your appointment you can't have any food or drink with color.
Man: So does that mean that I can't sleep with a black woman tonight?
Spa Girl: Uh...no! I guess not!
--BriteSmile Spa , 57th & 5th
Hot Girl: ...and then gonorrhea. Yeah, I think that's all I've had. Not as bad as I thought!
--Union Square Station
Hobo: Sorry to interrupt, but I'm starving. Please help me to get some candy and a soda.
Chick: How about a perfectly good pear? You know, if you're so hungry.
The hobo walks away angry and disgusted; 20 feet later he turns around to give her a dirty look.
Chick: Obviously you're not that hungry--and it's called pop!
--Washington Square Park
NYU Girl .1: Oh my god! I was so drunk this weekend, and now my legs are covered in bruises. They look terrible, you have no idea. I don't even know how I got them.
NYU Girl .2: Ha, ha! I love when that happens. I love drunk bruises.
--NYU Elevator
Woman: Having sex with him was the same as eating a slice of plain Wonder bread while looking in the window of a Crate and Barrel.
--York & 70th
Guy .1: Damn, she was short!
Guy .2: What?
Guy .1: Damn, she was short!
Guy .2: Who?
Guy .1: That lady!
Guy .2: Oh, yeah! She was short!
--E Train
Chick on cell: Yeah, it was huge! They did it like twice, and she had to stay home from work the next day. She's still sore. Now I'm supposed to see him tonight, and I don't know what to do...OK, Mom! I'll talk to you later!
--Midtown
Girl: Salma Hayek is part Mexican and part Syrian.
Guy: She's cesarean? Ain't that a disease?
--7 Train
Drunk Claire: Steph, we've been best friends for, like, 15 years now. You are like, totally my very best friend, but I wish you could, like, make more time for me, you know? Like, I know you have your grandmother's party coming up and all--
Drunk Steph: Claire, my grandmother died 4 years ago.
--West Village
Teen girl .1: I hate you. Your boobs are always so cute and perky!
Teen girl .2: Yeah, but when I'm not wearing a bra, they're like...down to my navel.
--Kew Gardens
Girl .1: ...you think it would have been OK, all I had was a pastrami sandwich.
Girl .2: Well, that'll certainly keep him out of your butt for a while...
--2nd St. & Ave. A
Tourist guy: Yo, where's the main road around here?
NY guy: Huh? Main road?
Tourist guy: Yeah, you know, the main drag. I don't know where the fuck I am, so I figure I'll find the main road and go from there.
NY guy: Well, where are you trying to go?
Tourist guy: Just the main fucking road, man. Where's that?
NY guy: This is New York. They're pretty much all main roads. I mean, look at the traffic.
Tourist guy: They can't all be main roads.
NY guy: OK. What about Broadway?
Tourist guy: I was just on Broadway. There's nothing there. Where's Times Square?
NY guy: It's right on Broadway.
Tourist guy: No, it's not, dude! I was just there and there's nothing there!
NY guy: OK, look. You wanna get to Times Square?
Tourist guy: At least that would be something.
NY guy: Fine. Turn around and walk back to Broadway--
Tourist guy: I don't want to go on Broadway! What's over there?
NY guy: The East River. The U.N.
Tourist guy: Fuck that.
--38th & 5th
College girl #1: Ooh, bubble tea. I've never tried that. I see signs for it everywhere.
College girl #2: I think it's chai tea but with little balls of tapioca.
College girl #1: Like tapioca pudding kind of tapioca?
College girl #2: No, like...they're bigger. They're blobs and they're kind of black.
College girl #1: No way.
College girl #2: Yes way. Someone at school dumped their leftover bubble tea in the toilet on the first floor of my building, and they didn't flush.
College girl #1: So that's how you knew the balls, the blobs, were black?
College girl #2: Well, yeah. It looked like an octopus had a miscarriage.
--44th between 7th & 8th
Guy #1: Aw...
Guy #2: What happened?
Guy #1: That Terri Schiavo, the one with the feeding tube. She died.
Guy #2: Yeah, that's too bad...I wonder what would happen if you were to blow air through the feeding tube. Do you think she would fart?
--The Westminster lobby, 20th & 7th
Cashier Lady #1: What I'ma do if I gotta go to the pussy doctor? Tell the boss I gotta itch in my pussy?
Cashier Lady #2: Yeah, you gotta protect your privacy.
Cashier Lady #1: They don't gotta know all about my pussy's issues.
--Hunter College cafeteria
Old white veteran: Why can't I walk? Did I have a stroke?
Black lady aide: You can walk.
Old veteran: Then who's that wheelchair belong to?
Black lady aide: You can walk, but you can't walk far.
--VA Center, St. Albans, Queens
Hip-hop chick #1: Yo, I been good, I ain't smoked weed for like three days.
Hip-hop chick #2: What? You told me you smoked up last night.
Hip-hop chick #1: No, girl, I just took one little puff. Taking one little puff don't mean I smoked. That's like taking a lick of a dick and saying you sucked it.
--33rd & Broadway
Guy: Your copy machine is out of cards.
Store dude: Yes, I'm sorry.
Guy: Can I just pay you to make copies?
Store dude: It's out of cards, I have no way to make it work.
Guy: Can I use this one?
Store dude: That one's just for color copies. Sorry, I don't make the rules.
Guy: You sound like a real loser.
Store dude: And yet, I'm about to complete my objective--which is to tell you to fuck off--while you still don't have your copies.
Girl #1: Sometimes you get pissed because you see something in a magazine or on TV that you thought of before and people are stealing your super imaginative ideas. And then you think, it's possible that different people think of the same things.
Girl #2: Yeah, like when your sister thought she invented George Clooney?
--G train
Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a fucking turtle connoisseur?
--Canal & West Broadway
Conductor: You know which train it is; you know where it's going; step in, stand clear.
--W train
Russian girl: (sits next to this HUGE black women wearing a sunday dress)
Black women: (nudges her off the seat)
Russina girl: excuse me
Black women: FUCK YOU WHITE BITCH! I don't love you, i ain't no fucken dyke don't be all sitting next to me and shit. I love dick bitch, i love a hard dick bitch. You lucky i'm dressed nice cause I'd fuck you up right now. I love DICK!
Latin guy: Oh my god (gets up and moves to the other side of train)
-N train.
Old drunk Southern guy: Woo!
Young drunk Southern guy: Ha, ha, ha! Woo woo!
Old drunk Southern guy: Come on, it's one "woo"! Woo!
Young drunk Southern guy: Ha, ha, ha! Woo woo!
Old drunk Southern guy: Just one woo! Woo!
--6 train
Chick: Wait, Survivor is still on? They gotta be running out of places to do it.
Dude: They should do a Survivor: New Orleans.
Chick: Oh my God, that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Dude: Shut up, you know you'd watch it.
--Party, 49th & 10th
Guy: This is going to sound awful but Ryan Gosling was really hot in that movie where he played the Nazi with the shaved head.
Girl: Yeah, he was a hot Nazi in that movie. A hotzi, if you will.
--92nd Street Y
Eddie Izzard: We've explored space, but we haven't drilled down. You all remember Journey to the Center of the Earth. Why don't we just drill down to the center and see the...what's it called?
Guy: Magma.
Eddie Izzard: Yeah, we'll get a heat resistant camera and we'll see the magma. And they'll make a documentary--
Guy: It wouldn't work.
Eddie Izzard: Eh?
Guy: The density would be too intense.
Eddie Izzard: No, we would take the rocks out behind us--
Guy: No, the air would be too dense. As you approach the center of
the earth, the density of the air increases.
Eddie Izzard: But what if you took the rocks out?
Guy: No, the air would still be too dense.
Eddie Izzard: Oh, well I guess you would know better than I. You must be some sort of scientist?
Guy: Actually, I'm an actor...but I took science class.
--The Village Theatre, Bleecker Street
Wednesday One-liners Went to Twilo
Girl: I'm pouring my heart out to you and all you can talk about is China Club!
--47th between Broadway & 8th
Overheard by: PJ
Italian guy: Tony, these people are awful. Why are we waiting on a line with awful people to get into a club so we can hang out with said awful people some more?
--10th Street between 3rd & 4th
Overheard by: J. Ferro
Queer: I didn't go to the Roxy on Saturday night; that's way too many gays in one space. Plus I heard the disco balls were falling on people's heads.
--Silver Building, Waverly Place
Girl #1: That place is so off the hook.
Girl #2: I totally need to go. What days is it open?
Girl #1: Yo, every day. Like 400 days a year.
--77th Street R station
Hobo: How are you doin'? Do you need some money? You need a dollar or two?
Woman: No thanks, I'm okay.
Hobo: Okay, god bless you.
--Washington Square Park
Girl #1: So, I've been thinking, I think I could be a lesbian. You know, get really really close with a girl. But I don't think I would want to hook up!
Girl #2: So...kinda like friends?
Girl #1: Oh yeah. I guess so.
Girl #3: So does that make us all lesbians?
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Drunk girl: What's that mean?
Drunk guy: It's an Irish toast.
Drunk girl: Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.
Drunk guy: Huh?
Drunk girl: That's French toast.
--Stoned Crow, Washington Place
Chick: You know who's got it tough? Those girls in Africa getting there clits cut off...I mean sometimes I can't afford a cup of coffee but at least I still have my clit.
--O'Hara's, Cedar Street
Cabbie: Are you going this way? I'm not turning around!
Chick: What the..? I'm not hitchhiking, I'm fucking paying you, and if I tell you to turn around you damn well better turn around!
He drives away.
Chick: Yeah, fuck you too, cunty Mr. Crack Whore.
Hipster guy: Lady, you need therapy.
Chick: Man, you need to stop sucking dick. And a haircut.
--34th & 7th
Chick on cell: I just described my pussy as "vagically delicious," and I wanted to leave you a message because I thought you would appreciate that.
--96th & Broadway
Bouncer guy: I really cried, yo. I thought wrestling was real.
--20th & 6th
Guy: ...so I had my finger in there, and that's when I had to ask myself: "When did I become an ass man?"
--Bowery & 3rd
Man on cell: Listen, I told you three times: Go. Fuck. Your. Self. In. The. Ass.
--34th & Madison
Hobo: Arrh, spare some change for a homeless pirate!
--St. Marks Place
Girl: Do you smell that? Smells like straight up pussy in this bitch.
Guy: I wouldn't know.
Girl: What do you mean you wouldn't know? It's pussy.
Guy: I wouldn't know. I'm gay.
Girl: Damn, son. So what does dick smell like?
Guy: Wouldn't you know? I mean when you get on your knees?
--M14D bus
wow..
that was super duper funny! five star!!!!!
:yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: