15 years after

Time seems to forget most things, but there are other moments that don’t pass and are not forgotten. Although it was a brief moment in time and your life was only that much less. I think about you often, mostly how I wanted to take you out back and slap you around, you were so fast on a bike but gave it up, sometimes I understand the pressure wasn’t cool, other times I’m pissed. How many kids grow up with a ski hill in their backyard, wasting days and years on end up there.


When I found out you weren’t coming around at all, I was left wondering. I mean back in college chicks digged our long ass thick hair, I can only think back to what a bunch of dorks we musta looked like rockin that past the shoulder suave look. I do remember running through the grave yard one night, it was your idea, we were kind of drunk and cracked out on drugs, I was trying to get you to go ride a bike and you wanted to go for a run, WTF, so we went for a run around town. Been by the grave yard, but I’ve never gone back in, even though it has a mountain bike trail through it.


You put fear in my life bro, that’s something I didn’t really want. How could some kid from Henniker just up and die one day when he was doing what he had grown to know. I mean stupid moves were part of my life up until that day 15 years ago. I mean eating shit on a no fall avalanche waiting to happen was just part of the fun, till you bit it good.


Sometimes I wonder, I mean I’ll forever picture you as this twenty year old kid, you never got to get old and live life. Deal with all the bs I get to deal with day in and out. Life just consisted of what you doing later? I guess I'm lucky cause it brings be back to a time of innocence, you never got to get past that. Your stuck as that top junior x rider in the north east, giving away all your bike shit because you hated it, hanging out at the pharmacy, wondering if some ugly chick actually liked you or not, not a care in the world. If I could only take those days back, I’d live them more than I ever could. Fifteen years isn’t that long of a time but it was three quarters of your life.

A somber reflection indeed

Somber indeed.

Thanks for posting that, sometimes it is healthy to put such thoughts down in the written word in order to get your own head around them.

An eloquent and heartfelt message. The love shows thru the grief.

gotta say this struck a chord. not trying to hijack. similar - situation.

lost my only bro a little over 4 years ago to mental illness. same is so true. still think of him as a 20 something rippin everything he did. He also never has aged a day in my mind. I look at pictures of him quite often. I carry his ashes to every place I go.

I see him him skiing in Jackson, Hood, or Utah, Kite surfing on snow or water all over the world. Europe, Baja, west coast, east coast. He could ride a bike so smooth way before the 29 er bling came along. If I had only knew that his adrenaline junkie was hiding such terrible thoughts and deep depression. kinda hard to be still kicking myself for not recognizing it. but I was truly unaware until I got a call from his girl in switzerland. booked a flight across the pond and found my worst fears were in fact true.

I am only 4 years out now. still living. still remembering little bro every day, however every anniversary hits hard.
I have come to accept that my lil bro is part of me now. He lives in my memories, my heart, and my soul.

I tell my five year old daughter some of the crazy stories Bri and I did. keeping them PC for a kid in kindergarden. Bri held her just after she was born and I am so glad he saw her and knew that I was ok. I think he knew that I would survive. as hard as the git punch was...

It is good that we can love in this life. because that is what I take out of this card I was handed.

FF and Cat; your words really hit home. it is good to write down such feelings. while our experiences vary, we all have different hardships in our lives. vibes