How-to with FNG. Episode 2: How to break into a car w/o making a mess.
So some no talent ass clown broke into the official brother's car (my only non-bus/foot form of transportation) last night. They smashed the passenger window with a screwdriver, ripped the dashboard apart, stole the CD-player and the change cup. -edit- also stole his jacket shell. Hope he's dumb enough to wear it around town. -/edit- So for all you aspiring car thieves out there, this installment of How-to with FNG is for you so you can break into someone's car, steal their radio, and not fuck the rest of their shit up.
First of all, let's talk about how to get into the car in the first place.
The easiest method is to pick up what's commonly known as a Slim Jim. Some of you guys may already be familiar with another form of Slim Jim, but for our purposes a Slim Jim is a thin piece of steel with a notch in one side, which makes it easy to pull the lock rod up. They can be purchased at most auto supply stores and not at sex stores.
First, lube up. You can never use too much lube. Try the new KY Warming if you're feeling adventurous or if it's cold outside. Slide the Slim Jim gently between the window and the weather stripping. Go slowly and be patient. Remember, the object is to NOT fuck up the car.
Don't fuck around jerking the tool trying to find the lock rod. This can break the lock linkage, and on auto-locks it can easily rip the wires in the door. This ain't no back-seat breakup sex here. This is sweet love makin' down by the fire.
Move the tool back and forth until it firmly grabs the lock rod and then gently maneuver it until the lock flips over. Just imagine you're trying to find the G-spot. Be gentle and patient. You'll know when you've found it.
When stealing the stereo, be gentle with the dash. Caress it slowely. Slowly unscrew any screws attatching it to the frame. Common spots are under the dash and in the glove box. Once again, use plenty of lube. Unscrew a couple screws attatching the stereo to the metal brackets. If you haven't already, lube up. If you have, lube up again. Pull the stereo out of the hole. A bit of force may be appropriate here. Disconnect the wires in back, don't cut.
Finally, leave the car, lock the doors again, and tell her you'll call her. Lube up once more for safety.
Well, looks like that's all the time we have for this week's episode. I hope you found it informative for your forays into considerate car theft. So until next time...peace, love, and underpants.
