How-to with FNG. Episode 2: How to break into a car w/o making a mess.

[FNG]

So some no talent ass clown broke into the official brother's car (my only non-bus/foot form of transportation) last night. They smashed the passenger window with a screwdriver, ripped the dashboard apart, stole the CD-player and the change cup. -edit- also stole his jacket shell. Hope he's dumb enough to wear it around town. -/edit- So for all you aspiring car thieves out there, this installment of How-to with FNG is for you so you can break into someone's car, steal their radio, and not fuck the rest of their shit up.

First of all, let's talk about how to get into the car in the first place.

The easiest method is to pick up what's commonly known as a Slim Jim. Some of you guys may already be familiar with another form of Slim Jim, but for our purposes a Slim Jim is a thin piece of steel with a notch in one side, which makes it easy to pull the lock rod up. They can be purchased at most auto supply stores and not at sex stores.

First, lube up. You can never use too much lube. Try the new KY Warming if you're feeling adventurous or if it's cold outside. Slide the Slim Jim gently between the window and the weather stripping. Go slowly and be patient. Remember, the object is to NOT fuck up the car.

Don't fuck around jerking the tool trying to find the lock rod. This can break the lock linkage, and on auto-locks it can easily rip the wires in the door. This ain't no back-seat breakup sex here. This is sweet love makin' down by the fire.

Move the tool back and forth until it firmly grabs the lock rod and then gently maneuver it until the lock flips over. Just imagine you're trying to find the G-spot. Be gentle and patient. You'll know when you've found it.

When stealing the stereo, be gentle with the dash. Caress it slowely. Slowly unscrew any screws attatching it to the frame. Common spots are under the dash and in the glove box. Once again, use plenty of lube. Unscrew a couple screws attatching the stereo to the metal brackets. If you haven't already, lube up. If you have, lube up again. Pull the stereo out of the hole. A bit of force may be appropriate here. Disconnect the wires in back, don't cut.

Finally, leave the car, lock the doors again, and tell her you'll call her. Lube up once more for safety.

Well, looks like that's all the time we have for this week's episode. I hope you found it informative for your forays into considerate car theft. So until next time...peace, love, and underpants.

[runethechamp]

That sucks. I had my car broken into a couple of years ago in a parking garage, but they didn't fuck everything up, only the side window that I replaced myself for $30. But I lost about 70 cds and a camera, so it sucked plenty anyway.

[mrw]

Sorry to hear about that. There was a time when I worked for a car dealer that I was real goodwith a slim jim. Some of the rods you push down,others pull up. Ignitions, well that's another story

[optics]

Master keys work well, too, if you can get your hands on one.

[/urban myth]

[yogachik]

How-to with FNG. Episode 2: How to break into a car w/o making a mess.

am in serious need of that laughing icon guy in the chat room - no other icon guy will do.

[Viva]

am in serious need of that laughing icon guy in the chat room - no other icon guy will do.

[eDub]

I realize this is a thread highjack, but I think its appropriate.

Car break-in motherfunckers can all go to hell. I am the king of getting my car broken into (6-7 times in 8 years). I don't leave anything in my car unless absolutely required, and my shit still get busted into. Even if there is nothing in the car.

But here's the worst one:

Last winter, I discovered the Burton Fish on a demo day in December. It's true love. Took me 3 weeks and many phones calls to find one in my size. Shipped to Seattle from SoCal. Order brand new bindings for it. Then it stops snowing.

5 weeks later, powder day on a Friday. All reports say its snowing hard enough that there will be freshies in the afternoon. Go Fish! I make arrangements to stop by work, pick up some projects from Lumberg, and head up. Throw all my gear in my Pathfinder, disguising as much as possible, including putting my 3 month old all-mountain board and the unridden Fish in a black board bag that is hard to see in the back of my truck.

Park in a surface lot across the street from Penitrobe's downtown office so I can see my truck from the office. Crowded area, sunny downtown, alard on truck set to maximum volume. Go into the office and fill out a few TPS reports to make Lumberg happy.

Around 11a.m., all of the sudden, I get this weird panicky vibe and I turn around to look out the window and I see 2 cock-gobblers pulling back the screwdriver to bust out my window. I am out the door, an elevator is on my floor and I am in the lobby in less that 20 seconds, grab building security and dialling 911 at the same time. To my car in less than 60 seconds. Alarm still going off.

Window broken. Everything next to window still there. Alarm must have scared them. Maybe I got lucky.

Oh shit. Board bag on opposite side of truck GONE!!. How did they get it out through this door?!?!?!?

2 Best boards (1 hadn't even seen snow yet), bindings, some outerwear, tuning gear - GONE!!! All in all, about $1,700 - $2,000 worth of gear. Me - hissy fit in parking lot. I WATCHED the 2 fuckers steal most of the only material possesions in my life that I actually care about. I run around downtown for 45 minutes asking all pedestrians and bums if they've seen 2 guys running with my bag. Cash offered for reward. (Bums don't even ask me for a quarter at that point.)

Insurance? Very high deductable beause of last break-in. "We will drop you if you make this claim." Me=screwed. Checked pawn shops, ebay for months. Even had the serial numbers. Nothing.

I make window claim only for (car) insurance. Don't make renter's insurance claim. They raise my rates anyway.

Theives? unlubed splintery baseball bat up the ass if I ever find them.

[FNG]

Hey buddy, get your own show!

If I find the cracky breaking into more cars on my block, I'll post pics of the ensuing cracky beat-down.

[Nohillsnearby]

Damn, is it hot in here?

Sucks about the theft, FNG.

[yentna]

I think that your lesson on gentleness is a very good, and quite needed, one, but we all know that a lot of dipshits just like to fuck things up. My trashy 1983 Ford Escort with the glove box duct taped closed (years ago, my first car) got broken into, and the things is that the car was unlocked and the passenger window open. Still, they smashed out the driver side window, just to make their only theft the new headlight bulb I'd bought the day before.
As much as it sucks, I'm sure the idiots took pleasure trashing your "official brother's" dashboard.....
Sorry to hear it, man.

[mn_teleswede]

After reading this thread, I feel the need to rant a little bit myself. I have kept myself from posting this for a year and a half, but I am finally going to vent.

After flying in from MSP to SLC for my annual Utah ski trip and day 1 at alta- I come back to the car and realize it has been broken into and all my credit cards are stolen. I get out of LCC to where my cell will work and call the credit card companies. 1st two- no action & cancelled. 3rd one- holy shit! In the span of 3 hours from lunch to last chair they racked up over 5 grand of purchases ranging from a 300 dollar bar tab to a new computer from the university school store. Needless to say- they made my life a living hell for the next 2 months as I got my financial life back together. I can see this happening in the city- but in the beloved parking lot of ALta- that is just plain sacriligeous!

To make matters worse, I blew out my knee (MCL) the next day and had to sit in Goldminers for the next 3 days while my buddies skied 1-2 feet of fresh every day. Needless to say- I have faith that these guys will get found out sometime and they will get their just reward.

And what a bout me- I have airline reservations for the first week of February this year.

[CaddyDaddy77]

Didn't really vent about it here, because bitching really won't make it any better, but didhamper my x-mas experience a bit.

Honestly, as mentioned I would much rather be robbed, flat out than have my car fucked up. I now get to open my girlfriends Explorer from the back hatch as the jackass that made a piss-poor attempt to steal a $20 portable CD player punched out both of the doorlocks and didn't manage to break in.



Sorry it's not nearly what the rest of you folks are going through, or have in the past but first time for me.

[PaSucks]

In the span of 3 hours from lunch to last chair they racked up over 5 grand of purchases ranging from a 300 dollar bar tab to a new computer from the university school store.

I want to know how they were sober enough at that point to even be able to say computer, let alone buy one! Holy shit! The mos I have ever spent at a bar is probably 30$ and I was fucked up!

[mn_teleswede]

PA-

I hear what you are saying- evidently there was a group of them as they racked up $$$ each at a gas station, one of Sandy's finer restaurants, and a a grocery/convenience store. It seems as though the grocery store and gas station were locations that did not require a signature (pay at the pump type)- so it made it quite easy.

Bastards

[PNWbrit]

I come back to the car and realize it has been broken into and all my credit cards are stolen.

Ever wonder what the pockets in all your clothes are for?