Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[Touring_Sedan]

Seriously though, embrace the challenge. I've gotten to the point where I actually pity the folks I used to do outdoor shit with. Especially those who haven't had the challenge of children. I can't imagine waking up with their Groundhog Day lives. I have no idea what I'm doing at work from one day to the next, nor what will be greeting me at home.

Example - The wife just sent me this ... apparently it happened during dodgeball. He didn't even know dodgeball existed until we were talking about it last weekend.

[Buzzworthy]

At the other end, lil Ms M. graduated UofU last week w honors and went through ceremonies, keynote speaker was Hidden Peak.

Attachment 493383

Hell yeah, huge congratulations! In 3 years mine will wear the same. You must be so proud!

[bfree]

all the additional time i would have to spend traveling to family so they can see him

Can you make them come to you? I usually try to do that. And sometimes it'll be family time for everyone together, but other times it's "thanks for coming over, I'm going to head out for a run, be back in an hour, enjoy the kids!"
Relatedly: I love skiing and mountain biking but have learned to enjoy running because you can get a solid workout with 1/2 or less of the time commitment.

[skaredshtles]

2nd one off the payroll.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

Can you make them come to you? I usually try to do that. And sometimes it'll be family time for everyone together, but other times it's "thanks for coming over, I'm going to head out for a run, be back in an hour, enjoy the kids!"
Relatedly: I love skiing and mountain biking but have learned to enjoy running because you can get a solid workout with 1/2 or less of the time commitment.

This is what I did when my girls were K-12. Trail running satisfied the endorphin jones for me in a third to half the time as cycling. Skiing wasn’t an issue, they came with me.


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[yeahman]

2nd one off the payroll.

Don't jinx yourself bud.

[riser4]

Experience has shown that graduation doesn't immediately equal a reduction in payroll. Thing #2 graduates BS ME from UVM next weekend. Anyone in northern VT looking to hire a mechanical engineer? Northern New England? Northeastern upstate? Bueller? Please take him off my hands.

[Beaver]

Off the payroll. Ha. This week my oldest graduated with her masters in library science. My youngest graduated with a microbiology degree. She recently interviewed for vet school. My middle daughter got a microbiology degree last year and worked a year to save some money, she starts law school in September. Maybe one day they'll be off the payroll but not soon

[skaredshtles]

Kid already has a job. So off the payroll.

[Touring_Sedan]

All 'yall getting them through college, I'm just getting him through the 4th grade.

This year has been pretty rad though, he's always wanted to "help" but now he's actually helping.

Getting the garden ready for Mother's Day. He's the 4th generation to use that tiller.

[funkendrenchman]

Congrats to all those with college grads! I respect all the work and love you have put in over the years. You must be so proud!

[Boissal]

I think that shift is the most difficult for most of us in this thread. I used to grab the single speed and crank out 4-5 hours in Park City, now I grab the full squish and crank out an hour in Draper. It gets easier. I tell myself that I've had those epic days and while they defined me then, they don't need to define me now. Now I define myself with how I manage the challenge of raising two kids, being a loving spouse, and holding down a stressful yet fulfilling job. Compared to that, touring all day or getting in 5K on the bike is fucking easy. I'm on ride 101 for the year so far, but I wouldn't call any of the rides "epic." They bring me joy and peace none the less and instead of being capped of with a beer, it's capped off with coming home to a full, happy house.

Seriously though, embrace the challenge. I've gotten to the point where I actually pity the folks I used to do outdoor shit with. Especially those who haven't had the challenge of children. I can't imagine waking up with their Groundhog Day lives. I have no idea what I'm doing at work from one day to the next, nor what will be greeting me at home.

Funny, one of the things which eventually clicked in my mind when I was waffling about whether of not it was time to have kids was about Groundhog Day. I fucking loved my life before the baby but I realized I had been doing the exact same thing since I moved to UT 20 some years ago, and it was the same stuff I did in France before that. There were some variations on the theme, switching from resort skiing to touring, giving up climbing to get back into mountain biking, but it was all about spending as much time as possible beating myself up outside. Getting fitter so I could do more vert and ski more laps or ride more miles basically. I'd have been content spending another 20 years on the same program as I was nowhere near tired of it. I can ski the same shot or ride the same trail 100 times and it will never bore me, and I'm super motivated to explore, so I don't think I would ever reach a point when that lifestyle becomes uninteresting. I think it was just lacking in challenges and novelty though. I mean, the challenges are easy to setup, just pick bigger objectives, but it's such a familiar process that there's definitely not as much growth. I realized I was stuck in a bit of a rut, a really fun one but a rut nonetheless, and something needed to change or I'd become (even more of) a jaded old fuck.

I think you nailed it though, the crux is to switch away from defining yourself through this lifestyle. I've never aspired to much outside of being good at the outdoors, it's really my only passion and what I consider to be my true core. I'm highly educated and have a really rad job but it's not something I consider as a huge part of me. I don't derive much pride from it, I never really talk about it, it doesn't interest me much if I'm not actively doing it. But I can spray for hours about a set of 10 turns down a face. Or I could, cause lately I'm a lot more likely to proudly show a picture of my kid than talk about my last ski day. In parts cause I skia lot less, but mostly because I find it significantly less meaningful than before (thank jeebus I'm not a complete sociopath after all). It's gone from being my lifeblood to something I do when I can, and am quick to bail on if something about the kid comes up. I'm sure the balance will switch again, and when things get tough it's hard not to default back to the old ways and easy to feel some resentment about the magnitude of the life change that steamrolled me, but on balance it's been the most positive thing that's happened to me since I became an adult.

How old is the kid? When mine was super small, I just strapped him to my chest and went out to the woods with him and the dog for hours. Let my wife get some sleep. I couldn't bike, but I stashed a rake and shovel up there and slowly but surely built a mini-trail network in the woods by my house (owned by my employer). My son couldn't sleep worth a damn, but somehow strapped to my chest while I raked, shoveled, moved logs and stones, etc. the kid would be out cold for hours. It felt like an investment and once he wasn't coming on the morning dog walks, I would bike the trails I built with the dog. They weren't long, but just getting to ride regularly made me feel still connected.

Similarly, I would drive around with him in the car to get him to sleep at times. I was always looking for new woods/trails/etc. that might not be really developed/advertised. Then we'd go back later. Half the places we escaped to for outdoors time during the pandemic lockdowns were places I found while driving around. And often places I found looking for an out of the way dead end to jump out and pee after caffeinating heavily as I needed somewhere I could leave the car running so my kid wouldn't wake up.

I definitely understand you. I certainly had feelings of "I want my life back" for a period. Keeping some form of engagement really helped me keep things together mentally even if I wasn't getting out on long rides/hikes/ski days. And it's gotten a lot more fun now that my son is a bit older (just turned 8). Now he skis, mountain bikes, hikes and that's a lot of fun.

That being said, I am sitting here recovering from a vasectomy. I have absolutely no desire to go through the early stages again.

She's 1. I've done a shitload of hiking with her, we skied a bunch this season, and I just got a bike seat for her. Doing everything possible to ease the transition from doing these things for myself to doing them with/for her. Hopefully exposing her to the lifestyle early will make her interested later. Should be fun enough watching her grow into a little badass that I will never get moments of resentment because she caused my downfall from self-perceived badass

[riser4]

How is she 1 already??? Shit. Seems like just yesterday.

[Boissal]

How is she 1 already??? Shit. Seems like just yesterday.

She's 1, I'm 42 going on 53 this year!

[skaredshtles]

She's 1, I'm 42 going on 53 this year!

Hey! I'm 53 this year. Going on 9, according to my wife.

[riser4]

Hah. My family says I'm going on 12. So I am more mature than you. :P Where do I get the shirt?

[skaredshtles]

Hah. My family says I'm going on 12. So I am more mature than you. :P Where do I get the shirt?

Shuddup, bunghole.

[The SnowShow]

So I’m talking to this other parent again (see above) about kids sports and she was acting all smug about the fact she and her husband’s Mem Day weekend will be tied up with their daughter’s soccer team in a tournament. I said I was surprised they would schedule a tournament during a holiday weekend and she acted shocked I didn’t realize that’s how it is with kids in sports. 3 day tournaments over Mem Day for 12 year olds? That’s normal?
This woman acts like the fact my kid isn’t in some intense club team, she doesn’t really play team sports. What a twat.

[gaijin]

Yes. Normal in Japan. All of our weekends and national holidays become sport's tournaments. It used to drive me nuts but I've come to the realization that when the kids leave the house my wife and I are gonna have to have an early retirement and leave the house as well. We'll be bored out of our fucking minds. So, I just get involved instead of frustrated.

I bet you guys had no idea I could sub for the softball pitcher or the soccer goalie during an "extended" practice on Sunday evening.

Monday mornings when I drive to work other commuters can hear an audible sigh of relief come from my car when I'm stuck in traffic.

Back on topic-- 14 more years until my youngest hypothetically graduates University and will theoretically be off the payroll.

4 more years until I have to buy my first HS graduation gift -- a car, as per family tradition. That's kinda fun to think about though. I'm thinking of getting her something cool so when she decides to sell it and move on to something newer, I can buy it back. Something like a 1990's BMW M3, a Skyline, or a WRX. The '70's 911's are still around $30-40K at their cheapest/most customizable. A 60's muscle car would certainly attract the appropriate suiters.

Advice from you all who have been down this road would be greatly appreciated. First Car Graduation Gifts have been in my family for several generations. Always used and projects to ensure a learning and appreciation curve.

[lifelinksplit]

You're buying a first car for 30 to 40k? Can you adopt me?

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[gaijin]

No. 30-40 is too expensive. I saw a '92 M3 for 5K a while back. I almost bought it. That's more my budget. A cool project. My 911 point was that even though they're 50+ years old, they're "still" expensive.

[bodywhomper]

Current plan is to not buy cars for our kids. And we live in the sticks. We haven’t rounded out the discussion about what happens when we eventually replace one of our shit can, but good running cars.

[alias_rice]

So I’m talking to this other parent again (see above) about kids sports and she was acting all smug about the fact she and her husband’s Mem Day weekend will be tied up with their daughter’s soccer team in a tournament. I said I was surprised they would schedule a tournament during a holiday weekend and she acted shocked I didn’t realize that’s how it is with kids in sports. 3 day tournaments over Mem Day for 12 year olds? That’s normal?
This woman acts like the fact my kid isn’t in some intense club team, she doesn’t really play team sports. What a twat.

Honestly, that is pretty standard. Pretty much from President's Day through 4th of July most of the spring sports will have tournaments on holidays. Not sure whey you would be smug about it though. What is more annoying to me living in Utah are tournaments that run Thursday-Saturday or Friday - Saturday because people refuse to play on Sundays. I guess skipping school is easier than skipping church.

[yeahman]

Current plan is to not buy cars for our kids. And we live in the sticks. We haven’t rounded out the discussion about what happens when we eventually replace one of our shit can, but good running cars.

We live out of town about 10-15 minutes which is exactly why we bought both our kids cars when they got their licenses. No more fucking shuttling back and forth. Years of doing that, and I tried to take advantage of the time in the car with them, but glad when it was over. We got them each 2010 Subaru Foresters. Not expensive, but safe. Not what I would call a smooth ride, but they don't seem to notice. Having two of the same model car does get confusing sometimes though, with licensing, repair shops, etc. NBD

[riser4]

We live out of town about 10-15 minutes which is exactly why we bought both our kids cars when they got their licenses. No more fucking shuttling back and forth. Years of doing that, and I tried to take advantage of the time in the car with them, but glad when it was over. We got them each 2010 Subaru Foresters. Not expensive, but safe. Not what I would call a smooth ride, but they don't seem to notice. Having two of the same model car does get confusing sometimes though, with licensing, repair shops, etc. NBD

And did you permanently latch the back seat so it couldn't fold down flat to make a place for shenanigans?